Randomness...

...because it suits me. Randomness, I mean. This post has a point, but I think you have to be a random person to flow with it. That or be able to crawl inside my head and hold all the pieces of my thoughts in your hands.

I met with my Bible study group for the first time in two months tonight, and I realized exactly how random I really am. Well, that and a conversation with a friend today in which she laughingly asked if I was having an affair. Granted, the verse I was stuck on was something that was more suited to extra-marital relations, but my mind had read it and lodged a different meaning with it. I tried a couple of times today to make others understand my particular version of life application, but I don't know if I made sense to anyone.

It's been a tough six weeks. I haven't quite been able to get back into the groove of my little life since the whole wisdom teeth thing. It's the only surgery I have ever had, so I may blame a lot of things on that for several posts to come. And I have to place blame, you know. I have had this little funk of a mood and been so un-focused for so long that I have forgotten what it was like to ever be focused.

Today, I pretty well blew it with my kids. I lost my temper over the small stuff, and even when I realized I was acting irrationally, I continued to stomp around and huff about because it felt relieving to be letting off some of that steam that had been building up. As my children stood looking wide-eyed at me, I realized the damage I was doing. I told them to please put away their toys and I beelined for the garage.

Wanna know what I keep in the garage? My hand print business. Wanna know what I saw first off? A set of Elizabeth's footprints. Little feet that are going to follow in the ways that I lead them. As I stood out there and felt ashamed and frustrated and cold, it dawned on me that I have simply not been having any quiet time. No time to read the Word, to pray real thoughts or to just be still and listen. Sure, I read to the kids and listen to the kids pray, but I have not personally said anything other than rote prayers for a while now.

Your still wondering about that affair, aren't you? Patience, friends. Patience. Because I was, in a non-marital sort of way.

I came back inside and apologized to the kids. We bunched up in a chair and read a couple of books and then they went down for nap. Today, instead of hauling out the laptop like I have been doing, I pulled out the book from study and started skimming the chapter to refresh my memory. I got about half way through it when I got stuck.

The author was referencing Genesis where Joseph refuses Potiphar's wife's advances.

Now Joseph was a well-built and handsome man and after a while his master's wife took notice of Joseph and said, "Come to bed with me!"

But he refused. "With me in charge," he told her, "my master does not concern himself with anything in the house; everything he owns he has entrusted to my care. No one is greater in this house than I am. My master has withheld nothing from me except you, because you are his wife. How then could I do such a wicked thing and sin against God?"
Genesis 37:7-9

You probably see something about a wife trying to get a servant to go to bed with her. What I saw stopped me cold. You see, the Lord has trusted me with so much, has made me the center of a home. I have a husband to care for, children to care for, a home to care for. My husband is the head of our home, but in so many ways, no person is more important to our home than me. A woman is the heartbeat of a home. She sets the tempo, the feel, the atmosphere. Me. That is my job. And while I have neglected none of those 'caring for' responsibilities , I have recently found a new love.

I started to really feel the gap in my life the week after New Years. We had quit traveling, the holidays were officially over, Thomas was in recovery from his surgery, and I was missing something. I tried to read a book (The Kite Runner, a good read so far) but it didn't help. I played games online. And then I found out that ABC posts episodes of current t.v. shows.

This handy-dandy little laptop streams HD Lost episodes. With Smallville in its last season, I felt the need to find me a new t.v. show. Just one. To insure that I get my hour of brain dead zoning each week. So I started out in season 1.

But I had three seasons to watch in order to catch up so that I would know what is going on this season. And the love affair began. At first, I waited until after the kids were in bed and I would invite Joshua to watch with me. But I got sucked in. So I began sneaking in an episode while he was at work, during the kids nap time. That turned into two episodes, and once, even four. During the week. While my kids were here in the house. One hundred and sixty some-odd minutes of t.v. time. Well, t.v. time laptop style.

As of today, I backed off to one episode a day. Or less. I was allowing myself to be seduced, not being mindful of the responsibilities and privileges that come with my position in our home.

Oh, things were getting done, but only because I was whirl-winding around trying to cover my tracks for not having been doing things as I should have. A fast and furious clean up here, and quick set of ironing there. Work for a few minutes with the kids on school stuff, read to them, pause the show as I dash off to make a meal.

Yeah, I have some work to do. I need to re-institute my quiet time. I need to pay attention to that Daily Plan that I supposedly use as a guideline to help me keep things on track and running smoothly. I must do the job that is set before me with diligence and integrity. The next time I look at Elizabeth's foot prints, I want to feel good about the path I am walking and know that I don't mind at all if she or Sarah Grace or Thomas are walking in my foot steps.