Cloudy

There are days when I can find nothing to blog about. I reflect on this day and find that I am still so flustered at all the things that have just not quite gone right that it's hard for me to focus on anything that might have been worth savoring. It will come, when my mind starts letting go of the junk and my vision becomes clearer.

There are those times when I marvel at every little thing that my children are. There are times when they are so sweet and full of energy and life and fun. I look at them and just see miracle after miracle after miracle. Their eyes, their noses, their laugh, their blooming little personalities.

Then there are days when they are full of energy and life and mischief. The days where they wake up whining and disobedient. Where they nit-pick at each other and argue every little point with me. Where there is always, it seems, somebody in the midst of a fit, wailing, or tears. Nothing seems to go well, and everything seems to be wrong.

I have to check myself, though. Because on these hard days, I am more highly prone to yelling, getting angry, and speaking much more sharply than is needed. Am I agitated because of them or are they agitated because of me? It's a vicious circle. Nobody knows who got crabby first.

As I reflect, the things that jump out at me are the tears. Theirs, mine, ours. I remember yelling and seeing those precious little faces freeze and postures stiffen. I remember handing out spanks for strong wills that did not want to bend in obedience. I remember temper tantrums thrown in stores and fits thrown because Mommy said 'no'. I remember resistance when it came to getting seat-belts fastened. Fussing because 'I wanted to carry that bag, not this one.'

At the end of the day, as I unravel a bit and start to tap all of this out, I thankfully begin to remember moments where somebody came up to me just to give me a hug. I remember standing in the doorway of each nap-time room and gazing at those sweet and serene faces. I remember giggles over a made up song and shrieks of laughter during a game of hide and seek.

And I know that tomorrow, I will get up and we will start all over again. Hopefully, the attitudes and malfunctions of today will be forgotten, the trespasses against each other forgiven, and the lessons learned remembered for the next time.

Hopefully, after a good night's sleep, our minds and hearts will not be clouded with today's sins, but rather clean-slated for a new day's blessings and adventures. My prayer for tomorrow is to remember to always look heavenward and remember the I am seeking daily progress with my children and myself, that perfection is unattainable, but baby steps will make the difference.

I have sought your face with all my heart; be gracious to me according to your promise.
Psalm 119:58