Thursday, January 21, 2010

Conflicted

My heart is full. I have a husband who loves me and takes care of our family. Who is my best friend, and understands what I mean even when I can't find cohesive thoughts to speak. I have four children who are healthy and funny and growing in the Lord. They have quirky little senses of humor, abundant hugs, and smiles that absolutely light up my day.

My heart is heavy. There are hard days in my own home that I can barely breath through sometimes. There are the responsibilities of being an adult, a wife, a mother, a friend. There are stresses on people that I can't help. There are girlfriends who have marriages that are in danger. Who have very sick children. Who have just miscarried. Whose husbands are out of work and they are struggling to make ends meet.

Is my life perfect? Not even when viewed from afar, I would think. Is it good? Yes, it is very good. Do we have our trials? Absolutely. It's just that right now, the trials we are facing are so very light that it seems a bit self-centered to even call them 'trials'.

The emotions threaten to overwhelm me. The deep sorrow that has to be set aside so I can listen as my son struts his new reading prowess. The laughter that gets cut off when a friend calls with a less than humorous need. I find myself on the verge of tears as I lift up these friends in prayer. A few minutes later, I am laughing at one of my children as they totally miss delivering the punch line of a knock-knock joke. It's all very confusing for a girl who likes to operate in black and white and finds herself surrounded with gray.

Growing up is hard to do. I never thought that I would be saying that at 31. But I am, and it is possibly even more true now than it was at 13. At least then I wasn't responsible for anything but my Algebra homework.

I don't have a way to wrap up my thoughts in a neat little package tied off with a bow. All I have is the sweet mercy that my Father gives to me and today. The safe knowledge that I am not walking alone, and that if need be, He will carry me.

And I pray for the same comfort for each of my friends with hurting hearts. You know who you are.

"God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it, now without pain but without stain." ~~C.S Lewis

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